The day it all changed.

It all happened a very long time ago. I can't believe it was in my life time.
It was the day that a very awful weight was suddenly gone..no not the pounds. The weight on my shoulders, on my heart and on my mind.
It was always there in my life. I had never recognized how heavy until that day it lifted
I had survived my life, I had thought deeply about it all and decided life was a fight and I didn't want to lose it.
But the weight. It was so heavy.
Then one day, my strength and the wind in my sails came to a halt. It was the end. The end of me.
Too many crisis on the plate of my existence
Too few answers and a very poor view of who I really was born to be.
I was about to suffocate. And I was 23.
It was January of 1977.  I was a new nurse in a new job in a new city. It was windy and cold and it was winter. So appropriate. It was winter in my life. No sign of life, no comfort to be found.
I was alone in my pain.
I did however have a very perceptive landlord. She said things like ..."I am praying for you" and weird stuff like that. I thought.."how nice" but inside, I thought "why would she do that?"
So one morning...I got up. I staggered into the early morning light with lead in my step and anguish in my heart. It matters not the events leading to this moment.
I was stunned and exhausted and knew I could not do this life. I knew I did not have it in me.
I felt inept, hopeless about myself, and very very sad.
I said...God if you are there, help me.
Suddenly I heard "I will never leave you". It was clear as day. Like a bell ringing. And it was unmistakeable. And although I did not know what God's voice sounded like, I knew this was my Maker.
This rush of warm comfort came into the room. I wrote it down. It was a beginning. It was an icicle melting in the coldness of my heart.
Days started to unfold like that. I would ask a question, and I would hear His voice again plain and clear and I would write it down.
Suddenly I remembered one day after many had passed, that I should get a bible and read from it. My Dad had shown us this. He was not ever far from his and I wondered at his preoccupation with its words.
So I went to the bookstore that day and purchased one. I would read a little and think on it..searching for answers, searching for the comfort that came from His voice.
Weeks passed, I moved back to my home town, and found my next job.
Pain gnawed at me, this lingering question...but it was in a dream and a fog.
Then one day in early April I came across a prayer someone had given me. It was a prayer of surrender to God. now there was no fog, only a stark question.
I was so frightened when I read it. I hardly knew what to do. It churned me up and upset me so. What if He was really bad and meant only for my life to be harder than it already was. Voices of doubt and fear rose up like giants. I was at once moved to do this unspeakable thing and fight it with all that was within me.
But then I remembered...I am helpless and this state of mind is no good for going forward in life.
Then the question became clear. It was up to me. Yes or no.
In the 3rd week of April, the mounting pressure to answer that silent question I could take no longer. I knelt down next to my bed and said "Jesus, take over" .
And then it happened. The weight..it lifted off in a mighty way, in an instant, the lightness of life poured into that spring morning like sunshine .
It was love. It was love like I never encountered before. It pierced my soul like a million tiny pieces of joy, peace and love and light. It engulfed me.
I felt ecstatic and I felt....loved.  no more trying. no more panic and no more despair. This was the door which is ominous on one side and exhilarating on the other.
That day, I became me. That day I tasted my first taste of freedom. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. Surrender meant prison doors flung open. Surrender meant an exchange of guilt for love.
Surrender meant Life. Who would have thought? who would have guessed? that the very death of me meant a life I would never regret or  could never attain by trying. It was simply a gift. ...the anguish, the despair, the eternal weight and no answers for difficulties upon me...was simply leading to an invitation. An invitation to eternity.