The door

It was the sound of the key in the lock.
and then it turned as the metal long silent gave way
the door creaked open revealing a sliver of light
what is this? I pondered.
I heard his voice, whispering my name
tears came
old things yet new?
I didn't know this
I felt the gentle prod.
you must go through the door
you must.
long ago another shut that door and locked it secure..or was it me
yes together we agreed, it was no value what was behind it
it became dark, and dead inside.
I had gotten used to it.
but then this happened.
take courage and get up.
go through the door like he asked.
it may be the missing link to the future

Thoughts about my Aunt Joan who passed away this week

Joan...from my earliest memories of her I was fascinated with her  living in a convent. She always seemed happy when we nieces and nephews went to visit her. We would lean up and kiss her when we arrived at the Sacred Heart convent and her wimple would scrape our faces...but I didn't mind because it was all such an adventure to see her and visit in the center court there where the wind was less windy and there were plants and I think even a water fountain. I remember distinctly her always asking so many questions about each one of us and I felt very valued by her and all this attention. I remember the life size Creche at Christmas in the convent that she seemed so pleased so show us..it was all magic to me. I would wonder at her being so happy there, with no children and no husband but serving God. I didn't understand the concept but watched it in her and saw her joy. Through the years, as I grew up and went to Alaska and raised a family, of course I had way less time to visit her but that made no difference in Joan and her love for me and now my growing family of five children. Each year she would remember to send cards and sometimes gifts to each one..always remembering something personal about them all. I marveled in my busy young years as a mother how she could track all those details so far away and was keenly aware of the love she showed by caring so much about the things that mattered most to me. So this ..this was serving Christ with all one's being, I pondered. Joan always was the same even into her aging years and confinement due to health. She would ask questions about us all when we came to visit. I regret I was not always so attentive in return, consumed in a busy life of my own raising my children in Alaska, far from the rest of my family. But Joan, she left her mark on me for better. I grew up also wanting to serve Christ with all my being. Though I married and chose a very different life then my Aunt did with the Sacred Heart order, Jesus was my Lord and He became central to all I did in my life and remains to this day. Her thoughtfulness and love was not just in words and questions, her photo album showed all the family members, their spouses, children, etc. Her family was so important to her.
  As I perused through the album, I found a simple poem she wrote. It goes as follows:

"Thus by not climbing the height of the hill,
fail to receive and be empty still."

She was seeking God to make a decision about where to serve next. I believe she lived by that..seeking to climb the heights, always pressing forward to the prize of the high calling in Christ knowing that to not do so is to leave one still empty and longing for the more in Him.

I give God thanks today for her life, and for her example of love; a very tangible love which touched this niece who was watching with wondering eyes and a searching heart for truth to be known. Thank you Joan, for showing us Jesus in you, for you have left your mark on us and it is good that we have had you go before us in this journey back to our Creator!

Change

Change. It has been a year of change. Way faster than I was hoping for. change in relationships, change in home, change in city,  change in job, change in focus, change in church! catching my breath and all at the same time finding myself deeply contemplative, searching out God on a different level, way more hungry to really know Him personally, not too satisfied unless I am worshipping or just being quiet with Him. Its making me wonder...what does He want to say to me right now, that He is pulling me into His presence like this? what great things does He have in mind for His daughter?  It is a like an invitation I can't resist. Busy schedules, work, exercising and friends pulling at my time, but are losing their color and taste in comparison. All I want is Him. He is all I need, He is all that satisfies the longings of the soul. It is well with my soul, this I know, and its because of Him.

What do you mean you are Christian?

Ok. so these thoughts rumble around in my head and I need to get them down on paper. Mind you this is not the gospel according to Barb. Its my thoughts and conclusions which can change.

So following Jesus Christ and calling yourself a believer....what exactly does that mean to you?
Are you different than you were before you were a "believer"?
Does it mean you believe in the Bible?
Does it mean you go to church every week?
Does it mean you have gifts like prophecy or words of knowledge, etc?
Does it mean you are going to heaven?
Do you think you are in sin only when you read it as such in the Bible?
When you became a believer, what changed on the inside of you?

Ok, you are most likely seeing where I am going with this.

But how did Jesus define you following Him?
A disciple who studies to show himself approved?
One who fears the Lord and fears His commandments?
One who is a doer of the Word and not a hearer only?
One who does righteousness?
One who trusts in the Lord and delights in Him?
One who lays hands on the sick and sees them recover?
one who raises the dead, cleanses lepers and casts out devils?

I know I am asking a lot of questions right now. But sometimes people think they are in the club but ...they are not following Him. Instead they are blaming Him for holding out, not being there, not answering prayers, not being "God" to them.
But here is what God says He is...He does what He is. Its up to us to believe. Ours is the job of trusting Him. Ours is the job of putting the key in the lock and opening up the door of our hearts to Him who is knocking..notice below 8 names of God have to do with Him just being God, Almighty, Master, Jehovah, Most High, Lord of Hosts, and Everlasting and Jealous! the other names show us what He wants to do for us..but both are essential. He is a God to be feared and honored and respected. We are to have no other gods above Him. He is all in all, He created us, HE keeps us alive by His Word.

• El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
• El Elyon (The Most High God)
• Adonai (Lord, Master)
• Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
• Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
• Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
• Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
• Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
• Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
• Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
• El Olam (The Everlasting God)
• Elohim (God)
• Qanna (Jealous)
• Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
• Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
• Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)

 Just some deep thoughts tonight after a long day.

Evening Respite

As the pink dusk rests gently on the purple shadowed hills and Mt. Shasta glows for one last moment, the winds blow cooly promising imminent nightfall. The lull of the trickling water at the rock pool, brings home the peaceful embrace of my Father on the throne. All is well with my soul as I look to the hills. The nations' flags catch my eye and remind me to lift their brokeness before the King. How can the Eternal Spirit of Yahweh be so personal tonight as He sits beside me calming my soul? Yes He is my companion for the evening as there is none other. As I drink in the gift of this evening I vow once again I will trust in Him all my days for His love. It is sweeter than life itself.

A Girl I know

From a young girl you know you are not OK
But you are strong and you make your way
Your heart aches but you say you don't care
So on your journey you find religion's fare
The ache it drives you to perform
You are smart and strong and its your norm
Time unfolds and storms batter your wall
Your encrusted heart won't let you fall
You tell yourself its someone else's fault
Amazingly religious but it is not God you exalt
Self perservation has become the goal
You can't admit, but its a deep dark hole.
Fear lurks on every side,
Because long ago something died.
You don't know it now but a storm will come
You will rise from the land they call "numb"
You will cry out in anguish and pain
No longer able to bear your own prison chain.
The Savior will search you out with love
And ride you home like the wings of a dove
Into His secret place of peace
Where you will finally know release
He will gently whisper to your heart
That He and you will never be apart
That you are strong and smart and His and OK.
Accepted in Him, cherished forever and a day.

Bad attitude

Yup. That was me today. Oh my goodness or should I say badness. First, it was sizzling hot out and I wore a sweatshirt in the  beginning of the day on my errands. Then I wanted to chew off the head of the lady at the verizon store who was in no mood for my extreme frustration with 2 phones in a row not working  and really was probably secretly praying I would get the heck out of her store and then later with gritted teeth I asked the lady on the phone from Charter if she would please take my name off the list since they call me every 3 weeks to see if I want more service than I bargained for...oh my gosh...so exactly what was my issue??? not sure except when I went to the prayer house at Bethel and walked around outside on this beautiful magificently gorgeous day, and poured my heart out to God I had a good cry over nothing at all and He somehow just wrapped His arms around me.  I came away repentant for my bad attitude but more than that with a sense of acceptance even though I felt I needed a good swift kick. I don't know why God is so insistently kind to me but I can't seem to get enough of it. (well actually its probably because its His nature) Apparently its all it takes to get me thinking the way He thinks and bad attitude melted away as I moved on to the next item of the day with my babysitting job, where I was greeted with a big smile, and then on top of all that flowers arrived from an anonymous giver who signed "Papa". God is good to me but boy oh boy was my attitude bad but God was good to me. Thats all I can say about that.

A Storm

Sudden white lightning opened upon the sky in microseconds of time, momentarily blinding my eyes,
Thunderings from above, deafened my insignificance and fears in between light and pouring rain
What seemed like the former and latter rains came down from the heavens in thunderous applause
Great waves of water washing the Spring evening, whispered of tiny glimpses of His great glory,
He reigns, He reigns, what nation or leader or government will defy His great power and strength? His glory will soon cover the earth like the sea and the world will finally know His great unsuspected extravagant love. Worship Him tonight.