When Words Fail

This life trip is not always what I would have voted for...but I wasn't given the option to pick all the circumstances. Sometimes when your shield is down, and your heart is open, and you are listening to your Creator's voice often, and you are letting the past go  words will come from another and shatter the clear glass of the moment..piercing that open heart, that heart that wants to love better, that heart that wants to forgive the past .Whatever those words were supposed to do coming from another, they failed. ..they fail to speak back truth of the heart, they fail to convey the meaning of a friends thoughts, they fail to describe the anguish of unknown origins, and they injure instead leaving scars. Like tangled briers they have to be taken apart one at a time and tossed back into the wilderness of forgetfulness. Words are the worse kind of thorns because a million of unspoken pieces may have been left out, leaving the recipient (that would be me in this case) with  confusion and the sense of failure and self accusation.
But then there are other words, words that instruct, and show light, ...words of Him, words of the One with Whom I have fallen in love, Words that soothe, and bring life, and calm the soul, and feel like a warm breeze and a cool glass of water all at once. Words that mend, and heal and reconcile and comfort. And only then do these particular Words not fail,  because of course, Love never fails.

Painful? um.yes.

This is not a book. It may only be a half page at this point in time but its my feeble attempt to practice taking 1million thoughts per minute and collecting them into a place where I don't have to talk so much, which can be exhausting. I wonder if everyone who is meant to write, has a bazillion fascinating things in their brain at all times and at once, that they never can possibly express but nevertheless demands expression as if their life depends on it.
My profound rumblings tonight include suffering and lots of it.
What if this journey of trials and tribulations is a  blessing in disguise (the kind of disguise you are freaked out by, on Halloween.)
What if they are the actual forming of the answer to your prayer and most desperate cry...the trial is the path to the answer. So I cry out for answers from God, the next thing I know, I am on a road with thorns, thistles (what are thistles anyway?) and stormy clouds, and steep narrow cliffs and wild animals lurking around every dark corner like snakes and horrible spiders from Australia. I am not exaggerating but I sincerely wish I was.
Like Bilbo...his journey with the ring...I suddenly thought I am at once wanting the answer and hating the answer. Not recognizing that the uncomfortable, painful, downright miserable, and forsaken by all, state of my life,  could be very well the answer to my prayer. So I best get on with it, keeping the answer in view, and lots kleenex, bandaids, chocolate, and warm blankets near by because I am not who I will be and I think I am living the answer, though its yucky, miserable and I really just hope I am right on this! Or else I am going to start complaining (even more loudly and vociferously than I already am)

It happened at 8.

The clock struck 9 and she entered the room with concentration and a stern countenance.
The severity of her voice and the absolute incongruity of her clothing were striking.
Not inviting by any means of the imagination.
I was her prisoner. In my mind I had done nothing to deserve this.
She talked incessantly while I was continually silenced.
I yearned desperately for an escape from the horror of monotony and no choices.
The window was there though. And I could walk into the meadow of my mind through that window.
And so I began to be a bird who can fly and to build airplanes in the sky for those like me
Forts were constructed with second floors and elaborate hiding places and of course porches and stairs. Skies were blue out this window and forts magnificent. Flying was second to nothing else because I could be free with the air beneath my "wings".
Day after day, the contrast between my window and her seeming total lack of interest in me as a person, grew more stark.
But then one day I found also, that a fellow prisoner was engaging and very funny. It was the beginning of my carefully planned strategizing to come crashing to the ground.
Soon Mrs. Stern Countenance pounced upon our silent delightful chattering, which was forbidden.
We were soon laboring over  written punishments such as could take a life time to complete. Shame and anger and the gross lack of justice were unshakeable as tears rolled incessantly upon paper and desk.
And that day I changed, and knew that my window world and that of my friend would never have the same appealing delight they once represented.
The reality of no control and no freedom settled in, though not without a secret rebellion that burned in my heart.
An acceptance was demanded by those who had the power to punish. In that surrender, school became an enemy and I became a victim .....and I grew up that year doing math and reading under the punishing eye of a stern countenance, who I don't think I ever crossed again.

The day it all changed.

It all happened a very long time ago. I can't believe it was in my life time.
It was the day that a very awful weight was suddenly gone..no not the pounds. The weight on my shoulders, on my heart and on my mind.
It was always there in my life. I had never recognized how heavy until that day it lifted
I had survived my life, I had thought deeply about it all and decided life was a fight and I didn't want to lose it.
But the weight. It was so heavy.
Then one day, my strength and the wind in my sails came to a halt. It was the end. The end of me.
Too many crisis on the plate of my existence
Too few answers and a very poor view of who I really was born to be.
I was about to suffocate. And I was 23.
It was January of 1977.  I was a new nurse in a new job in a new city. It was windy and cold and it was winter. So appropriate. It was winter in my life. No sign of life, no comfort to be found.
I was alone in my pain.
I did however have a very perceptive landlord. She said things like ..."I am praying for you" and weird stuff like that. I thought.."how nice" but inside, I thought "why would she do that?"
So one morning...I got up. I staggered into the early morning light with lead in my step and anguish in my heart. It matters not the events leading to this moment.
I was stunned and exhausted and knew I could not do this life. I knew I did not have it in me.
I felt inept, hopeless about myself, and very very sad.
I said...God if you are there, help me.
Suddenly I heard "I will never leave you". It was clear as day. Like a bell ringing. And it was unmistakeable. And although I did not know what God's voice sounded like, I knew this was my Maker.
This rush of warm comfort came into the room. I wrote it down. It was a beginning. It was an icicle melting in the coldness of my heart.
Days started to unfold like that. I would ask a question, and I would hear His voice again plain and clear and I would write it down.
Suddenly I remembered one day after many had passed, that I should get a bible and read from it. My Dad had shown us this. He was not ever far from his and I wondered at his preoccupation with its words.
So I went to the bookstore that day and purchased one. I would read a little and think on it..searching for answers, searching for the comfort that came from His voice.
Weeks passed, I moved back to my home town, and found my next job.
Pain gnawed at me, this lingering question...but it was in a dream and a fog.
Then one day in early April I came across a prayer someone had given me. It was a prayer of surrender to God. now there was no fog, only a stark question.
I was so frightened when I read it. I hardly knew what to do. It churned me up and upset me so. What if He was really bad and meant only for my life to be harder than it already was. Voices of doubt and fear rose up like giants. I was at once moved to do this unspeakable thing and fight it with all that was within me.
But then I remembered...I am helpless and this state of mind is no good for going forward in life.
Then the question became clear. It was up to me. Yes or no.
In the 3rd week of April, the mounting pressure to answer that silent question I could take no longer. I knelt down next to my bed and said "Jesus, take over" .
And then it happened. The weight..it lifted off in a mighty way, in an instant, the lightness of life poured into that spring morning like sunshine .
It was love. It was love like I never encountered before. It pierced my soul like a million tiny pieces of joy, peace and love and light. It engulfed me.
I felt ecstatic and I felt....loved.  no more trying. no more panic and no more despair. This was the door which is ominous on one side and exhilarating on the other.
That day, I became me. That day I tasted my first taste of freedom. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. Surrender meant prison doors flung open. Surrender meant an exchange of guilt for love.
Surrender meant Life. Who would have thought? who would have guessed? that the very death of me meant a life I would never regret or  could never attain by trying. It was simply a gift. ...the anguish, the despair, the eternal weight and no answers for difficulties upon me...was simply leading to an invitation. An invitation to eternity.

WHAT IF........

What if I held the key in hand?
What if I already inherited the land?
What if the pain was a moment from "gone"?
What if I am about to see dawn?
What if faith is declared at "night"?
What if speaking the Word is the real fight?
What if the key is on my lips?
What if doubt sinks the ship?
What if the right way seems foolish to me?
What if pride has to bow to set free?
What if I am wrestling with God on high?
What if I limp because I "try"?
What if trying is pride on display?
What if victory is going His way? 

SUPERNATURAL PROTECTION

It was the first day of October of 1996 in Fairbanks, Alaska. It was cold out and we were waiting for the first snow. Darkness was increasing as we headed into the long winter of Alaska.  I felt so strongly that morning to pray protection over my family every single day for the month. Kind of weird, I thought. I never had that impression before.  Well, I have learned that when you think you got an impression from God and you think its odd, it well could be from Him so obedience makes the most sense. I started doing just this. Every morning methodically, I prayed Psalm 91 over my house hold of husband and five children. The first thing that happened was on a day when we were all loaded up to go somewhere in the car. Suddenly, I realized I forgot something in the kitchen. I ran up to the kitchen and found a pot on fire! So I successfully put it out and thanked God that it wasn't worse.  Then one morning shortly after that, the boys, ages 12 and 10 came running in the door from delivering papers. They were out of breath. They told the story at the same time. They had gotten between a mother moose and her calf (it was still dark out) and they suddenly saw her hoof it and charge them. They said they stood still, "paralyzed", and said they "thought they were going to die", when suddenly about 4 feet away she seemed to bump into an invisible wall and run the opposite direction. The lady in charge of bringing to the boys their papers, each morning,  came to my door an hour later and said she witnessed just that! She said she was so frightened and was getting ready to dial 911 on her phone when she witnessed the moose reverse her direction. She asked me if I had any explanation. I asked her if she believed in God..she said yes. I told her..thats the explanation! Then this event was followed by 2 more near disaster fires in the kitchen that were discovered when I ran back into the house for something. (before this month and after, I never had a kitchen fire, ever) Now events were pointing to the fact that God indeed had been speaking to me that morning. Psalm 91 continued to be prayed over my household in earnest. Over the period of that month, 2 pastors in our city, had their houses burned to the ground. Really tragic. I started praying the Psalm over the church and city. Then one day I was out helping my 16 yr old daughter with her paper route. It was about 5 a.m. and we came upon a ferocious dog in a yard of our customer. This was a new occurence. He was not about to let us into the yard; so we were discussing what our plan should be since we usually went to the porch to deliver that customer's paper. While we were problem solving a man pulled up in a truck with a woman, and rolled down his window. We thought.."oh here is a customer leaving the house early and wanting his paper". (which was not uncommon) I went to speak with him at his truck window and realized he was not a customer of ours and both of them were seriously inebriated and not making any sense at all. So I went back to Sheila, my daughter, and told her I will cross the street to the next customer and she can stay on this side and keep going and we would come back to deal with the barking dog, later. The truck people were sitting there idling and arguing so I crossed in front of them about 6 feet ahead of the truck to deliver the next paper. All of a sudden, the driver gunned the truck and I was suddenly not in front of the truck at all but back on the side of the road. Sheila ran up to me scared and said "I saw you in front of the truck between the headlights right before he gunned the truck! " Yes. one more instance of supernatural protection in that month of October, 1996.
What did I learn from this very extraordinary month of God's intervention? Do what He says, and saying His words out loud causes the angelic to come to your defense and His words do come to pass as a result. (you can read that in Psalm 103)
He is our Protector. Speak His Words over your life. They will come to pass and in the process you will discover His great love for you. 

My Day. What?

Canning jar fell on tile floor and broke in a million pieces.
Cleaning it up, I found ants suddenly everywhere.
Came home from work out to a call from Macy's saying I didn't pay my bill and the penalty was 25$.
(I did pay it online with a confirmation)
Got that problem cleared up by going to the store and calling the Credit Dept.
Went and bought ant stuff to put it around my house.
Also bought a fly trap. Have not seen one single fly since.
Went out the door for one minute to deliver something and misplaced glasses which are up to this minute still very well hidden from my eyes (weary from searching)
What? in all this nonsense, I realized I forgot to have my second cup of coffee.
Well I sat down and promptly remedied the easiest problem of the day and now I must say my day is sure to turn around.
Stay tuned for live updates. It can only get better. :)

FEAR: WAGE THE WAR

Fear. It has no place in my heart. It is an imposter.
It's not true. It is full of ideas and thoughts that challenge truth.
It hijacks my emotions, and wreaks havoc on my body.
It brings insanity in its trail. There is nothing good in it.
It does not help anything.
It does not better any situation
It does not better prepare one for the future.
It is a poison and it can become the worst habit I have.
Finally it has no place in a child of God.
It replaces faith in my God.
It replaces my God's words with something else.
Eventually, it becomes an idol if I pay it heed and work my life around it.
It must be dealt with harshly, with no mercy and promptly.
Fear. It is the ultimate lie. Wage the War.

Some thoughts Paul Manwarings sermon last night.....

Hope doesn't grow when everything is going well.
No wilderness is a waste of time.
Hope grows in the wilderness.

If you are in the middle of hard work or a hard season, Embrace the season and be the best you can be.
Live a life of no regret. Regret is the enemy of your testimony.
Remember in thanks what He has done for you because they are the signposts for where you are going. You continually build on your testimony and the power of your testimony will propel you where you are going (my paraphrase because I can't remember how he said it)
Psalm 119: I consider thy ways and turned my feet to thy testimonies.
David's testimonies kept him on the right path (according to this verse.)
Fear is the enemy of the prophetic.
Fear will keep me from grabbing hold of the prophetic spoken over my life.
We are to take the prophetic and beat fear up (1 Timothy1:18 This charge I commit to you, son Timothy, according to the prophecies previously made concerning you, that by them you may wage the good warfare,)
Remind yourself of what He has done and beat fear up when it comes with the prophetic word over you.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made.
If you don't, then you are saying you deserve it and you are therefore introducing the concept into your thinking, that you deserve to be punished!
Love and forgiveness are related. You need to love yourself so you can love others. First you have to forgive yourself. 
Another obstacle to your life  is about a misunderstanding of what a promotion means
We think you have to go up to be promoted.
It really means "for" "motion"
The journey now is what is getting ready for the forward motion. As long as you are moving forward, you are being promoted
Don't miss the here and now looking for what is to come
Just keep moving !
So much is related to lies we believe about "nevers".
If you can convert one lie that keeps repeating itself you will give your self a tool that will change your life.

If you will reverse a lie you will start doing things differently tomorrow. He wastes nothing.  We have a record in our head. Learn to live on purpose by saying the truth!

He uses things in our life to reflect a facet of His glory.
We need to live as the bread of His presence
He takes the circumstances of our life and sees what this will become so stop fretting the present and enjoy the dance with Him.
"We have to LIVE in the middle of crisis".
We are not dead, we are in the land of the living. Romans 12:1 don't be transformed by what you see but by the renewing of your mind.
The brain can be retrained.
You can shut off the pathway made by the things that happened already. We can change those pathways by thinking on His truth.

Your destiny is not far out mystical future but under your feet
Stop resigning to bad things happening and re sign to the abundance God has prepared for your life!

Forever family

I was greeted at the door with smiling Isaac, soon surrounded with Hannah hugs and Rachel quietly slipping into the room to see if I noticed. Zach, all of his long newly acquired height sprawled out on the couch,  was playing his favorite war game on his new mini, while Belinda picked up that last bit of homeschool clutter before getting the dinner on. The table finally set, we sat to lively funny conversation with lots of noise amidst an enjoyable moose taco cuisine only to lead to an insistent hearty invitation to go outside and see how Isaac sleds on the new sledding hill. Donned in borrowed wool over pants and all my own winter gear, I followed them all out ...the only man made lights being all of their new headlamps each over wool hats. The wind was blowing and the temp felt -15, as the stars sparkled and seemed so close I could touch the sky. The kids took turns re-smoothing the sled run, Rachel down that hill the most of all triumphing each time she climbed back up to try again. The crisp cold air was filled with the smell of spruce smoke from the wood stove assuring us all that warmth followed soon enough. John laughed and cheered then moved on to splitting a few rounds of wood. Meanwhile I breathed it all in, soaking in God's goodness and beauty in the midst of those I love. After a bit of time, we stomped into the house and dropped all the winter gear while the youngest two excitedly fixed gourmet hot chocolate for us all. Some cozy conversation around the fire as our cheeks lost the numbing feeling and our bones warmed up, and then all too soon, it was time for John to read bedtime stories to a very sleepy precious foursome. I love these, my adopted family, and as we part for a new season of adventure, this night will forever be in my heart and memory as a treasure not sought out  but handed to me freely, in love from my Papa in heaven.